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Life's a bureaucracy, and then you die

A white room. The walls seeming to be the source of light. Arrays of people, all dressed in the same glowing shade of white. Somehow, their hair looks the same, no matter what colour it is. All seated in the grid of glowing white plastic chairs. In their white hands (even the darkest of skin looks glowing white, here), white papers and white pens. Glowing.

The room is silent, apart from very quiet soothing harp music emanating from all around, and the scratching of pens.

Every ten minutes or so, someone gets up, sets their pen and clipboard down, and leaves through a door at the far side. The queue to enter the room becomes one person shorter, as the leaver's seat is taken.

Finally, it becomes my turn. It seems I have waited for an eternity. I take my sheaf of papers, clip them to the clipboard, and sit. I stare in awe at the form. Two hundred sheets, in the tiniest of print.

Name:
Previous names, this life:
Names in last five lives:

How am I supposed to know that? I don't have my previous-lives notes here with me, and I can't remember all that stuff! None of the people around me seem to be having any trouble.

Occupation: (Title, address, date start, date end, contact)
Last five occupations: (Title, address, date start, date end, contact)

I'm supposed to fit whole addresses into these tiny boxes? I can't even fit an American-style two-line-address in there, and two of those jobs were in villages in England. I don't remember another two.

Occupation at time of death in last five previous lives:
Last five occupations in each of last five previous lives:

I come close to screaming, restrained only by the combination of the silence of those around me, and the harp music... It's soothing for now, but if I'm here much longer I'm sure it will start to grate.

Father's name:
Mother's name:
Mother's maiden name:
Father's previous names:
Mother's previous names:
Father's name in last five lives:
Mother's name in last five lives:
Father's previous names in each of last five lives:
Mother's previous names in each of last five lives:
Father's Father's name:
Father's Mother's name:
Father's Mother's maiden name:
Father's Father's previous name:

The form goes on, through to previous names in each of the last five lives of each of my four grandparents, in each of my last five lives. I can barely even remember my own grandparent's names. I leave the entries blank, sigh, and continue down the page.

Date of birth:
Date of birth in five previous lives:
Father's date of birth:
Father's date of birth in each of your five previous lives:
Father's date of birth in each of his five previous lives, for each of your five previous lives:

I see where this line is going, and I skip down to the end of the thread. I'm nearly two-thirds of the way down the first page out of 200 pages of the form, now, having neglected to write anything in for over nine-tenths of it, and my eye is drawn to the even smaller print at the bottom of the page.

Submission fee for this page: 500 Hail Marys.

My eyes narrow, and I flicker through the 200 pages of the form. At the bottom of each page is a similar fee, sometimes extending into the thousands - on one page it's 20000.

At the bottom of the final page, these words burnt into my retina:

THANK YOU FOR COMPLETING THE IMMIGRATION REQUEST FORMS FOR HEAVEN. ESTIMATED COMPLETION TIME: 1.6 LIFETIMES. PLEASE ADDRESS ANY COMMENTS OR SUGGESTIONS ON HOW THE PAPERWORK COULD BE REDUCED TO...

An illegibly blurred address followed.

Almost hypnotically, I start to recall my previous lives. Something had triggered the memory. I remember I once went through the immigration process for America.

This is nearly as bad.

 
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Archive

Clare Maguire > 6dec2002 > The Face of The Future
Simon Batistoni > 15nov2002 > Ghost
Kelly Bean > 8nov2002 > The Program
Anonymous > 1nov2002 > Winning the Lottery
Ned > 25oct2002 > Calibre
Tom Massey > 4oct2002 > Roses
Simon Batistoni > 27sep2002 > Message Centre
Riana > 20sep2002 > Value Added
Giles Turnbull > 13sep2002 > A lab technician's lot
Kevan Davis > 6sep2002 > The Campaign for Real Advertising
Giles Turnbull > 30aug2002 > The old lady and the whelk
KTL > 23aug2002 > Feet
Sandy Tulloch > 16aug2002 > How the people came to stop thinking
RavenBlack > 9aug2002 > An Arm And A Leg
Nicholas Wilshere > 19jul2002 > Two full-page ads
Dustin Ruby > 12jul2002 > Family Life
Matt Jones > 14jun2002 > The end of history
Cathrine > 7jun2002 > The Eye of the Beholder
Nick > 31may2002 > I wanna shake your hand
RavenBlack > 24may2002 > Precognito Ergo Sum
Ned > 10may2002 > Spambot
Tyrethali > 26apr2002 > The Contest
Holly Gramazio > 19apr2002 > A Tale of No Watermelons
Brooke Magnanti > 12apr2002 > What The Dead Remember
Tyrethali > 5apr2002 > Superego
RavenBlack > 29mar2002 > Black Rain
james > 22mar2002 > The Atom Thief
RavenBlack > 15mar2002 > Soul Trap
matzu > 8mar2002 > Angry Elton
RavenBlack > 1mar2002 > Hell Is Other People
JT Bruce > 22feb2002 > Door Ajar
matzu > 15feb2002 > Send in the clones
Kevan Davis > 8feb2002 > Litter
RavenBlack > 1feb2002 > The Perfect Job
Tyrethali > 25jan2002 > Mystery
Giles Turnbull > 11jan2002 > The Twisted World of Advertising
Tom Armitage > 21dec2001 > Numbers
Sandy Tulloch > 14dec2001 > Killing Cats
Brooke Magnanti > 7dec2001 > The Jet Set
Giles Turnbull > 30nov2001 > Driftwood
james > 23nov2001 > with you in mind
RavenBlack > 16nov2001 > UpsideClones
Kevan Davis > 9nov2001 > Do Not Stand Forward Of This Notice
Giles Turnbull > 2nov2001 > Group Effort
Kevan Davis > 26oct2001 > Ask The Audience
RavenBlack > 19oct2001 > Don't You Just Hate Stupid People
Martin Griffiths > 12oct2001 > Your Nearest McDonalds...
RavenBlack > 5oct2001 > Life's a bureaucracy, and then you die
Kevan Davis > 28sep2001 > Work To Win
Tom Armitage > 21sep2001 > Don't Book it - Thomas Cook it.
Giles Turnbull > 14sep2001 > What happened to George
RavenBlack > 7sep2001 > Mental States
Kevan Davis > 31aug2001 > Walking Distance
Stuart and Jack > 24aug2001 > dialogue
Kevan Davis > 17aug2001 > Collector's Item

 
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